Boxing Day Grey

In this post-christmas week, there’s a feeling that things should be significant and meaningful.  I think that’s part of the entire holiday season, but for whatever reason, this is the week where it seems the hardest to accomplish.

I don’t really like new years because I have found myself alone so frequently and society makes it seem like you’re a failure if you don’t have someone to kiss.
I don’t really like the lead up to Christmas either though, because again, alone so often and the whole thing makes you feel like you’re a failure if you aren’t buying a car or a diamond for someone.
So yeah, this week between Christmas and new years is normally a tough one for me.  Too many break ups this time of year.  Too many let downs.  Too much worry about money.  Too much negative reflection.  It would seem that this year it would be even worse given the loss of my best friend, Buddy, and given that I’ve had so much trouble with relationships over the past few months.  Somehow, though, this year doesn’t feel as bad as it should stack up to being.  It’s not Christmas blues, it’s Christmas grey.
I did get a ride in on Christmas day.  I felt good about getting out but wasn’t happy to be out alone till I met up with some folks who ride with the shop. Having company lifted my spirits as well as my mileage and total elevation for the day.  Thanks Phil and Annie!
I got a couple runs in over the long weekend too.  That’s starting to hurt less, and I’m starting to think it might be possible for me to do long runs.  I’m not sure just yet, and need to get a stride analysis, and need more experience, and probably need better shoes, and need some winter workout clothes, and need, and need, and need…. nah. all i need is heart.
I think I have that. Maybe.  I can’t decide why else I wouldn’t feel completely blue.
I feel the winds of change could be blowing. There’s a new familiar scent in the air. Of course, like the weather outside, the weather of our lives can change at a moment’s notice and these might just be the deceptive whispers of a false inner spring.  I do, though, believe that routine, schedule, and a little more belief in myself are beginning to awaken something that went to sleep long ago.  A few rays are thawing parts of my psyche.  Will I blossom this year into something strong and sturdy? Will I make the same mistakes I have in the past?  I can only hope the fortunes carried by this breeze are good and true.
Do I still feel empty? yes
Do I still sit and waste time in a self pitiful loop? yes, sometimes
Am I happy? not really
Do I have what I want? no
Do I even know what I want? I don’t really think so, other than to be happy
Do I have what I need? yes, and that’s what matters
Can I make it through?  I’ll have to ask that one again in a few weeks, a few months, and a few years.

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