I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

Monday morning before my run and my unexpected mile, I had a little bit of back pain.  I don’t know what was going on, but it wasn’t a big deal at the time and felt sort of like a pinched nerve that might happen when my back gets a little out of wack from sitting on my wallet for too long or something like that.  Tuesday it got bad.  Just sitting on the bus on the way home was brutal and laying in bed hurt too.  I started taking prednisone for my tendinitis (knee, annoying little shit elbow) on Tuesday though, so thought that might take care of things.  Wednesday wasn’t much better.  Things like sitting, standing, walking, laying down, and moving in general still were painful. Thursday things were a little better.  I got my trainer session in and had a lot less pain going to sleep.  I was even able to get a quick 3 mile run in this morning.

I registered for the Flying Pig half marathon on Tuesday.  It was one of those times where I swung from excitement back into the “Oh my god, what am I doing?” mode.

what-the-hell-am-i-doing

I’m not a runner… I never wanted to be and after screwing up my knee 2 years ago, that put the final nail in the coffin of a hobby I never had… Who the hell am I and what happened to whomever it was that I used to be?

The truth is, I don’t really know what I’m doing.

i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing

I basically decided to do this triathlon because I’ve enjoyed riding bikes for a long time and had some friends who got me inspired.  I didn’t really actually think about it a lot.  I knew it would be a lot of work and because I don’t know what else I’m doing with my life, I just figured this would be a bridge to whatever’s next.  I still don’t know what I’m doing next, and I don’t know what I’m doing now.

I realized that I need to learn a lot about running and swimming if I want to get faster.  It seems like I can sort of practice the running drills, and maybe with one or two sessions with some experienced runners, maybe pick up what I need to know to be able to do the Flying Pig Half in under 2 hours.  That’s just over 9 minute miles.  To me, this sounds do-able… but I have no real basis for that.  I have no idea what I’m doing.  The swimming seems more difficult.  My goal isn’t that lofty though, for the swim.  I just want to do it with an average pace of 2:00/100yds. that would work out to just over 42 minutes for the swim.  I’ll need to learn more technique (which I think is harder than learning running technique?) and I’ll really need to learn open water swimming and sighting because I have NO idea what I’m doing there…

i-have-no-f-ing-idea-what-im-doing

I realize that I’m also still running the same old loops that I used to get stuck in when it comes to my relationships with people (and lack of them).  I still get hung up on things and people that I need to let go of.  I’m upset by things that people do that are out of my control.  I’ve forgotten that I need to be a huge fan of myself and that when I am, others tend to come around to that point of view.  I’ve also forgotten that people can be incredibly cruel and hurtful without even intending to be and that I need to not take those occurrences personally or allow them to affect me more than they should.  I’m sure I’m guilty of this sometimes, though I specifically try hard not to be.

Relationships just confuse me right now. I don’t know what I’m doing.  I can’t tell at all if someone is actually interested in me and I’m not sure I ever really have unless they make it pretty clear.  Especially in the initial stages, I don’t have any real idea how to approach the whole situation.  It’s been over a year since I was actually TRYING to date.  My last two ‘relationships’ just sort of happened without a lot of intention or effort.  That’s good, right? but they didn’t work, so maybe not good? I feel like I need to be trying to meet people and find a relationship that adds to my life but I don’t really know how to do that.

There has been some shift in my mentality, though, since I started getting serious about this training.  When thinking about my personal life, a few months ago I was just immediately into the depths of the darkness, usually some alcohol, excess smoking, maybe eating too much, possibly some bad TV.  Now when I think about my personal live, I just want to NOT think about it anymore and go swim/bike/run.  I’m not sure if that’s really progress or just trading addictions or what, but it’s different, at least.

im-okay-but-im-not

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