Broken and Frustrated

I think I have an injury; the usual beginning runner injury: shin splints or possibly a stress fracture. Yeah, I made the classic mistake.  I went too hard too early.  I didn’t ramp up my miles slowly enough.  I basically did everything I was warned not to do.  This is not an eventuality I was prepared for, and not an eventuality I’m sure I can accept. It’s questionable if my mental health, which is helped so much by my training, can accommodate this deterioration of my physical health.  I WAS in a really good spot.  I’m just to the point where running is pretty enjoyable, if mostly for the social aspect…  My knee feels at least okay and doesn’t seem to be getting worse.  I’m getting faster, leaner, stronger.  I’m starting to see the benefits of my core training.  Things were starting to come together….

So much for my ‘wing it’ plan.  And so much for all that crap about things getting brighter…  I’ve really just replaced one drug with another.  Whether it’s a woman, alcohol, food, cycling, training overall… it’s all just one drug or another that I’m using to make myself feel better.  That’s the classic addict mistake.  “I kicked the habit”… no… no I didn’t. I just replaced it with a different habit that’s slightly less immediately destructive.

Did I actually escape anything by moving out of Texas or did i just shake up the etch-a-sketch only to have the same shitty picture appear once the dust settled after I moved.  Maybe i just projected all my shit onto the city i was in and really it just moved on up the highway to Cincinnati with me.  Did she ever really make me feel better or was it just that it feels good to have someone seem interested.  Maybe she made me feel worse in the long run.  Was i ever that into cycling or was it just that I didn’t have to confront my disappointment with everything else while on the bike. Maybe the bike distracts me from actually dealing with shit.  Regardless of what ‘drug’ I’m on and how much of a mistake I’m making with it, it seems pretty clear that I need to be on one to keep things going.

I don’t know what the point is. I’m not happier than I was.  I’m not really in a better place in life.  I don’t have any more idea of how to get to the next stage or where the fuck I even want things to go.  My sister is buying a house.  My parents are retiring.  My friends are all getting married and having kids.  The people I ride with have their lives, and the people I run with go home to their families. Somewhere along the lines I got left out of all of that and the more I try to have a piece of it, the more pointless the effort seems.  It takes forever to actually get to know someone, and anyone who might be good to know is, like me, already too cynical to believe anyone else is worth a shit.  I’ve made like 2 good friends in the past 4 years. I thought, at various points, that I’d made more but they just seem to disappear for various pointless reasons. I’m not seeing any meaningful signs of change or reasons to believe there’s a point to all of this work.
Maybe it really just doesn’t matter. Scientific happiness is just the balance of endorphins and hormones that make you feel good against those that stress you out or bring you down.  Whenever someone asks what religion I ascribe to… what I believe in, I usually say “myself and science”, so… I guess…  It’s time for a bike ride. Even if that only means 2 hours of being happy, that’s 2 hours more than I otherwise would have had.

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