Exhaustion, Doubt

I’m utterly exhausted.

In spite of not running lately (and maybe partially because of?) I’m so physically exhausted that I’m barely functional.  It’s a chore to get out of bed.  I stayed home from work yesterday just because I was tired. Even socializing takes a lot of work, and since I barely have the energy to do it, I’m pretty sure I’m not doing myself any favors at this point. I’m just spent, and I have another week and a half till my next rest day.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it.

Sleep is a huge part of recovering from training and recharging mentally, and it’s not going well for me.  I’ve had sleep problems for a long time.  This isn’t new.  At this point, though, it’s getting to be a serous problem because I really don’t think my body and mind can handle the kind of beating they’re taking unless it improves.

A few of my friends have told me that it’s kind of common for you to feel like you want to cry sometimes when you’re into a training block, especially if something goes wrong.  It’s not really crying or being upset specifically about the injury.  It’s more just… a sense of release… There’s a lot of emotion that gets suppressed and builds up while you jack yourself up on endorphins for between one and six hours a day. And really, let’s be honest, ironman training isn’t the easiest thing in the world… I’m not upset or sad about the injury or anything in particular, I just feel like I am going to cry sometimes.  It’s different from the darkness of my normal depression.  That still permeates my daily life.  This feeling is more of just pent up emotional exhaustion, and I just feel like it’s all going to pour out at once.  I just feel like crying.

I don’t know.  I’ve never done this so maybe that IS normal.  I definitely know doubting yourself is normal.  But I don’t know if I’m feeling normal doubt right now, though.  Sometimes I feel like I’m coming apart at the seems mentally and physically.  Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.  Sure, I feel invincible sometimes too, but these injuries are piling up, and I’m running out of training time.  I’m not sure if this is going to work out.  I’m not sure I should have ever thought it might.  I don’t really know if my body can handle the punishment required.  Maybe a half ironman is too much.

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