Falling Down

I feel like I need everything in life to go away. Nothing seems to be working right at the moment, and I can’t seem to catch any breaks.  Work is terrible.  Training is terrible even though away from it my motivation is high.  Personal life is mostly terrible.  I should be well moved on from anything truly worth being bothered by, yet here I am, beating the shit out of myself for things out of my control.  It’s all just too much and I need a break.  I need everything to go away so I can regain focus.  I need to find purpose again.  I believe in my pursuit of this triathlon goal, and in my pursuit of just being better at living a happy life.  I believe in myself.  I just need everything else to either work WITH me or get the hell out of my life.

After a few weeks of feeling pretty good and generally brighter days, the shadetree of depression is back, looming regularly over my everyday life.  I’m fighting with myself about sleep.  I’m off task when I need to be making progress whether it’s at work or in a workout or just around the house.  For the first time in a while, I’ve had a few episodes of “being stuck in a hole” over the past week or so.  I just get stuck dwelling on negative aspects of my life and can’t break out of that thought process.

Motivation isn’t really that hard to come by, but time has been, and the sense of accomplishment I usually get from my workouts has been elusive lately.  I still want to do my workouts and I don’t dread them the way I have occasionally in the past, but I’m hardly able to find time lately.  Sometimes when I do find the time, I’m either too tired or too depressed (I’m not sure if there is a significant difference most of the time) to make myself do what I need to do.  I don’t feel burned out the way I did a month ago.  I just feel bad.  My lack of progress on my weight is part of that.  I’m not going to come anywhere near my goal of racing at 150lbs.  I’ll be lucky at this point to race at 160lbs.  More discouraging than that, though, is that i’m not as happy after my workouts as I feel like I used to be.

  • Am I building up a tolerance to exercise-induced dopamine highs?
  • Am I focused too much on looking back rather than looking forward?
  • Why am I even looking back anyway? I know I’m a good person and have nothing to be ashamed of.
  • Am I letting my social life affect my training life too much?
  • Am I just in a dead spot… a plateau with training, and it’ll pass?
  • Is my tibia healed up all the way or am I screwing things up by not still being on complete rest?
  • Is this just a low spot for me emotionally and the training is actually going well and I just don’t really feel like it is because of everything else?
  • How the hell do I stop eating crap, and especially how do I stop eating at crap times?
  • I really like knowing that I’m pushing myself and I feel good about myself while training, so why do I feel so crappy the rest of the time?
  • Why can’t I catch a break lately? injuries and disappointments are piling up and things to feel good about seem few and far between.
  • Am I just mad about work being shitty?
  • Should I register for the bike races that are coming up?
  • Is there even a point to racing? I mean, I feel pretty sure I’ll just get smoked almost from the start.
  • How the hell does E-$$ do almost all her training by herself? and where can I get some of that beast-mode?
  • Can I even afford to do the things I’m already committed to?
  • Am I going to cross the finish line at all?
  • If I do, am I going to be alone?
  • If I’m not, will anyone there have any idea or even care what that moment will mean to me?
  • Is that moment actually going to mean anything to me or am I setting myself up for a huge letdown?
  • Why am I even bothering to try to meet people anymore?
  • Am I going to be depressed forever?
Well, it appears that I’ve fallen down that hole again…..
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