Lots of thing have been happening. Some good, some not so good. Mostly things have been indeterminate. I have had a lot on my mind though, and haven’t been writing enough, so here I am.
I’m liking my new job. The people are pretty nice, the work is interesting so far, I’m learning a lot, and I feel good about where it looks like this job will go. There’s a fair amount of wasted time but I think that’s normal when you start a new job. It’s also weird to be on the customer side of the engineering industry, as opposed to the consultant side. It’s strange to have people telling me it’s okay not to be busy all the time. It’s also weird to be directly in charge of most aspects of my projects rather than just responsible for executing certain tasks.
I am actually feeling so good about the job that I am starting to reconsider my timetable for moving. There are multiple factors here, and yes, one is that the woman seems to be reconsidering her timetable for moving but that isn’t the only factor or even the main factor. I already wasn’t sure how my timetable was going to work since I don’t know how long it will take to pay off my loans. I’m feeling that it makes more sense for me to get more experience here as well. Project management is a ball of wax that will take me a while to get to the bottom of but is going to be a major resume point for me when I start looking for jobs. I’m also in the position of having signed my lease again for another full year. That’s really a small part because I’m pretty sure I could find someone to take over my lease or sign a new one for my apartment. Mostly, though, it just seems to make sense to stick with this for more than a few months. It’s a good job, good experience, with good people, and I’m learning a lot.
I’m running a lot but not doing a lot of much else. I have done some strength work, but not as much as I would really like. I also haven’t been riding really at all. The weather and hours of light aren’t really conducive to doing much riding, so it’s understandable in some ways. I’m also letting my involvement with the woman interfere with my riding. I’m not sure if that’s a wise choice. In some ways I think it’s necessary to cultivate relationships when the opportunity exists, but in other ways I feel like I’m putting myself at risk since it’s so unclear if this thing is going anywhere. Anyway, the point is that I’d like to be riding more but have found it difficult to make that happen. DAMN THESE LIMITED DAYLIGHT HOURS!
The running, though, is coming along. I feel like i’m building a good base for my full marathon in the spring. My legs are feeling pretty good after 5 miles most of the time, and my pace is creeping down in a pleasing way. It’s crazy to think that a year ago I couldn’t really run a mile, 8 months ago I had a broken leg, and now I’m doing 5 miles and feeling pretty much completely fine. It’s also become clear that running is really helping me to lose/keep weight off. If I can dial up the healthy eating a little and dial back the drinking a little, I’ll be in a great spot come race time. For the moment, though, I’m feeling okay abut things there.
In general, though, I need to start ramping back up. That’s going to mean figuring out how I want to balance multi-sport training. I’ll have to determine how I feel about doing a lot less riding and a lot more running. I need to get serious about strength if this full marathon thing is going to happen injury-free. I’ll also have to decide what races I want to do early in the year next year. I think I want to do at least 2 half ironman races next year, and I’m still considering trying for a full though I feel like it would be wise to put that off for another year in order to build base fitness and discipline with how I do workouts. It could also help for me to have other aspects of my life a little more stable. Full Iron training is no joke.
I have a lot of good friends right now. It’s been a tough road getting here but it’s good to have a support network around me. I care so much about my tri and run friends… I don’t know where I’d be without them right now. This is something I always lacked in Texas… I never really had a great network there. So, in that sense, my personal life is going well.
Of course there is the romantic side of my personal life as well. The woman I’ve been seeing continues to keep me at arms length when it comes to having a more serious relationship. At the same time, we definitely have something fairly significant going on. It’s confusing, and more than a little frustrating. I’m a romantic at heart so I want to spend my time making someone incredibly happy and have that be reciprocated to some degree. That’s what makes me truly happy. I’m not really getting that from this right now though. It’s really hard to know if I’m putting myself too much at risk or if this is just how things are going to be right now with her.
She definitely likes spending time with me, but I don’t know if it’s progressing beyond that. She’s the real deal, checks all the boxes, and she’s got “it”, in spades and if things work out, it would definitely be worth the discomfort now. I’d probably be falling for her if she’d let me. On the other hand, I really feel pretty crappy a lot of the time. I don’t feel like she is ever very excited about me. She’s at least occasionally talking to other guys, and I actually think she went on a date last night. While there are some things that make me feel positive, if I’m honest and objective, it really seems like she’s just not that into me which makes me feel pretty worthless. I find myself wanting to put the ball in her court; give her a kick in the ass to decide what she wants. That might be what she needs, and perhaps it’s also wise for me because if it ends up I’m just not the one for her, I guess it makes sense to know that sooner rather than later. These pushy feelings are tempered by the fact that I know where she is coming from in terms of being reluctant to get into a serious relationship after a rough one. I also know that a lasting relationship is usually one that takes a long time to build. Furthermore, I feel like the more time we spend together, the better chances are in the long run.
The fact that I can’t stop thinking about it is actually the worst part. Stressing obviously never improves any situation. I just want to be at ease, and it’s not like I’ve ever been good at telling what women think anyway, so there’s little point in mulling over it. I just don’t know, and I hate that I’m sort of obsessive about it. That’s the worst part by far. I’m not good with instability.
I have had little interest from other women, and they haven’t had great potential anyway. I went out a couple times with an attractive redhead but that blew up when she insisted on being exclusive just a few days after we met. I couldn’t be on board because I barely knew her and obviously I have something else going on. I wasn’t going to lie to her and say “sure, we can be exclusive”. I don’t lie about that. I can’t be that bothered though; there were a fair number of other red-flags with her anyway. But it still sucks to get ditched by someone at least somewhat interesting. I’ve been stood up or ghosted a couple times in the last few months too but that hasn’t bothered me that much because my heart isn’t really in it… I mean, I really don’t want to be playing the field. Dating sucks. I’d prefer something stable with the main woman and not be talking to other people but her distance means I have to keep trying, if only to protect myself a little.
There’s one other… maybe possibility… but we’re already probably too close for things to be playful and casual so if anything was going to happen, it would probably have to be pretty serious from the start. But anyway, I don’t even know how attracted I am to her. Not because she’s not attractive… I just have a hard time thinking about her in that way because I don’t hit on women in the groups I spend a lot of time with. I wouldn’t want to make things weird.
All I know is that I’m tired of feeling like crap and I really wish that triathlon had helped me find the emotional stability I expected it would. I’m still reeling from that unfortunate discovery. I just want to be happy and satisfied most of the time. I fixed the job situation which means the money situation is coming back together. I’m doing well socially outside of romantic relationships and I’m making at least some progress on my athletic goals. It’d be great if this part of my life could just fall in line for a while too.
The darkness remains. It hurts to care. I want more but I can’t control what happens. I want to control my attitude at least, but I’m just not having any luck with that.