It’s been a while since I wrote anything. This will not be a fun, or inspirational post to read. Luckily, I write this for me.
It’s been a hard month. The last I wrote was the beginning of the month when shit was really hitting the fan for me. Since then it has been a roller coaster ride. Lots of highs, a few lows, lots of fun, some scary spots… But just like at the end of a roller coaster, I feel like I’m back where I started.
Things with the woman are in an uncomfortable holding pattern. She’s being a little distant, in an understandable way. I’m wishing I could get a little clarity but know I can’t without coming off as over-invested or pushing for things to get serious. Neither of those is my intent. I would be okay with things getting more serious, but I know it will take time. That’s fine. I just basically want to know I’m not wasting my time if she’s sure they will not get serious but that’s a speculative question, and i hate speculative questions.
The bigger problem is that I’m struggling to come to grips with the beginning-of-september realization that I’m just very lonely. I don’t know if there is a way to accept that. I don’t know if there is a way to fix that. I don’t know if accepting it will require fixing it, or vice versa. the main thing I know is it sucks.
I really thought that taking on triathlon and spending a lot of time focusing on myself was going to resolve some of my insecurities and give me some more stability when it came to women. I guess in some ways it has helped with some of my insecurities, but not the ones that needed help. I already thought I was a good, smart, capable person. Reinforcing that is great, but it’s not getting me anywhere productive. It’s not a pleasant realization that I haven’t drawn much additional long-term peace from it.
While I was in Colorado, I realized that I really still do want to be out there. It’s a place that is filled with the kinds of activities that I love to take part in, and people that love to do them. It’s a complicated situation though, because just prior to, and while I was out there, I realized I also have an incredible support network here in Cincinnati. I mean obviously being close to mom and dad is great in a lot of ways, but the crew that I run with and a few of the folks from the tri club… they are the kinds of friends that I lacked in Houston. They are the safe place I think I needed. I’m not sure how quickly, or if I would find another crew of friends anything like them out in CO. Ultimately, I think it’s the right thing to move out there when I get things paid off, but it’s not going to be easy to leave.
Colorado was incredibly beautiful and I felt mostly at peace out there. I think that’s to be expected though, when you are on vacation. I saw some amazing things. The San Juan Mountains and Black Canyon take the cake. Both left me speechless. The changing aspens were an unbelievable and unexpected treat as well. Having the woman come out for a spell was also obviously fabulous. She had a great time, and we had a great time together. In some ways, I think that should placate some of my uneasiness, but in other ways, the somewhat inconsistent behavior over the past month has only made it worse. In spite of that, and some difficulties with the girl I was originally traveling with, I feel like it was an incredible trip. I think as it drew to a close, I realized that expecting big changes from things like undertaking triathlon, or going on a 3 week walkabout is foolish.
I have realized that despite the good feelings I got during training over the past year, I’m not sure if I want to invest the time and effort for a full iron distance triathlon this coming year. I won’t have the flexible schedule with the new job I’m taking, and with a move planned, that’s sure to throw a wrench into any training plan I have. I’m also just not sure I want to be that dedicated to it. Ultimately, I know I can’t afford to sign up till at least probably February anyway, so it’s not a problem just yet.
I’m realizing that I’m on a low…. I think I’m handling it a little better than I used to be able to, though it’s really day-to-day, and I can’t form an objective opinion about it anyway, since I’m so affected by it. I haven’t gotten much of any lasting peace of mind from my trip. This is partly because I want to feel comfortable with where things are with the woman, partly because it’s just not possible for events or experiences to single-handedly change the outlook of my life. I can’t permanently extract myself from my emotions just by going somewhere or doing something. Like I said before, it’s just foolish.
I’m realizing that maybe I’m pretty foolish in general.