I have no idea what I’m doing writing. I have about 300 things I need to get done for work, and I need to leave early. I don’t even have a coherent topic or intention with writing right now. It’s very possible this will just end up being ramblings. But writing seems to be what the mind wants right now.
Of course I’m annoyed. I’m always annoyed.
I’m annoyed at every possible outcome of two of my friends having suddenly found guys they like. In both cases, they have gone from bitching about life to me constantly to spouting fairy farts and pixie dust constantly. In both cases, they don’t even really know the guy,. In both cases, I wouldn’t be surprised if things work out perfectly for them, and I’ll be fucking annoyed that they spend no time and exert no effort or money on finding and developing a relationship, meanwhile… My fucking life…. AND in both cases, I won’t be surprised if the guys disappear and they go spinning back down their self-pitiful hole. Classic manic depressive situation.
I’m annoyed with the drama at running club. My weekday pace group is comprised of 4 dysfunctional leaders and about 20 unhappy followers. Of the leaders, two are acting like teenage girls who both want to be queen of the class, and the other two are kinda caught in the middle and either won’t or can’t exert corrective forces. One of the teen queens (both of whom are in their mid-late 30s, actually) is just not really a people person, tends to push the pace a bit, and usually comes off as abrasive (not intentionally, but it happens). The other teen queen is basically lazy, wants to run at whatever pace she feels like running that day, and desperately wants to feel important. One of the remaining two is frazzled by the conflict between the teen queens and overly stressed about it, and the other, I basically just never hear from. Altogether, it makes for an unhappy experience a lot of the time. I don’t like creating confrontations, but if people don’t figure out how to act their age soon, I’m going to end up getting pissed off and making a very public example of this being how a pace group should NOT operate.
I made rules for training. They are a good set of rules. I took my time thinking about them and making sure they cover the things I think they should cover. I refined them to be brief, but complete. They are easy to understand, easy to follow, and will lead to success for my racing, and my mental health.
And I promptly ignored all of them. Which is fucking annoying.
Yes, that’s right. Hard fail on every single rule.
- fail… Just… in so many ways. I ALMOST got half of it right, the half about not coming to work in altered mental states. But then I didn’t. And I spent too much time attending to women this weekend rather than attending to my own business.
- This is supposed to be the easy one. All I have to fucking do is drink more water. That’s it. WTF.
- I might have been in bed by 9:30 once, but definitely didn’t turn the lights out till way late. I HAD the thoughts of “I should go to bed,” and of “I should just turn the lights out,” but there I was, at 11:00, being stupid. I can’t even blame it on my legs being sore or anything. Despite the running friday night AND saturday morning, I did enough self-care that they feel pretty okay.
- I did not keep the routine. I missed my bike ride sunday because I didn’t execute my other responsibilities efficiently. Side projects took too long and I spent too much time socializing. I kept the rest of the routine, but I am reluctant to pat myself on the back for that because the routine is the BASE of what I need to be doing… I really ACTUALLY need to do more than that if I’m going to be successful.
- How many days this week did I eat a generally healthy diet? Well, if my goal is to eat right 6 days a week, I only need to do better on 5 more days out of the week.
- Three of seven days for abs is pretty bad. Especially since my goal is pathetically easy to accomplish. I only actually intend to hold myself accountable for 5-10 minutes of abs a day. That’s basically 45 minutes a week spread over all 7 days. IT’S NOT FUCKING HARD!!!
- rest recover rest relax rest BWAAAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! So friday is a rest day. Don’t overbook yourself and commit to too much. Make sure you have time for your goals, and to rest and recuperate. You’ll end up in a worse place mentally and physically if you wear yourself down too hard. Rest. No excuses, no exceptions.
…Except if the Main Woman asks me to do her a favor and run the last 5 of her 14 miles with her to keep her company.
…And except if she also asks me to dogsit for her, which complicated my weekend and took up a lot of time and energy.
…..and also except if I have no real reason for having stayed up super late every night either just fighting myself going to sleep or talking to someone I’m not even sure I have the ability to be interested in.
8. I was supposed to lift at work, and I even brought my gear to do it. I brought it in twice, actually. And I still failed.
9. I kind of did statics at home for about 7 minutes one day. That’s pretty sad. Again, my goal here is like 45 minutes, once a week. That’s not fucking hard. And it’s going to pay off when I am faster and stronger. It’s going to pay off when I am less injury prone. It’s going to pay off when I just FEEL better.
10. I have spent a lot of time thinking about if I have taken care of my mind and body this week or if I honestly just haven’t. On one hand, I haven’t done anything truly destructive. I rolled my ankle during my run, but was diligent about ice and such afterwards so it seems to be okay-ish. My diet was in no way GOOD, but it really wasn’t THAT BAD either. I had some good conversations and connections with people, and I got to spend time with a sweet pupper dogger, which is always good for the soul.
But I also spent friday evening not resting, and asking the last woman who ditched me, right after giving me herpes, for a favor so I could do a favor for the woman who ditched me before that; the Main Woman. Then I spent the weekend having complicated and mostly not great feelings about being in her house; the house that I once used to look forward to visiting. Complicated feelings about sleeping in the bed I once occasionally shared with her. About seeing the birthday and post cards I sent her, not on display, but not thrown away or hidden either. About all the things you think about when you go back to a place so deeply linked with feelings that never worked out.
I also stayed up late last night drinking with a friend in an effort to try and see if I can have real feelings for anyone. Why? Why do I need to try and see about that? Is that important? no… maybe I can, maybe I can’t, but no research efforts need to be conducted. If it happens, it happens. And the answer to that question doesn’t even matter if I’m in a bad place mentally or physically in the first place.
I ate out a lot this week too, which causes me stress. It’s both a drain on my bank account, and typically represents poor dietary choices. I’d done well with it for a while, but I think a combination of business and laziness got to me.
So yeah… I can’t try to spin that into being be taking care of my body and mind. So, hard fail on 10/10 rules.