I think I wrote about patience before, and I know I’ll write about it again. It’s going to be one of the really difficult parts of training and of dealing with depression. ACTUAL progress on either doesn’t happen over night. Remembering that and trusting that the pieces I put in place now will build a stronger house in the future isn’t easy. I want to be fast NOW, and I’d like to feel good again NOW. Like… actually good inside. I don’t really want to be patient.
Snapshots are good in some ways, and necessary, but aren’t really that useful with figuring out where things actually are. That I did 5 miles at 10:40/mi on a certain date is fine. Or noting that I felt mostly content and happy at 8:00p.m. last night is fine. Those snapshots are fine but they’re like the numbers I talked about before. They only exist for that second; at that moment. It isn’t representative of where I am on the whole. Maybe I killed a workout and got a new PR but maybe my knees are a wreck afterwards. Maybe I’m only happy right now because I just got new shoes. Losing weight is great for power/weight ratio but if I’m not eating right, feel like shit, can’t deliver when it matters or I get sick then it’s worthless. Feeling good means nothing if it was only because I was too high to notice the darkness all around.
I don’t want to be patient. I want new friends now. Good ones. I want old friends to be better, and for me to be better with them. And I want it now. I want to be faster now. I want to be lighter now. I want endurance and strength now. I want to FEEL stronger in my core and less beat up after long workouts because of it. I want to wake up and be excited or at least look forward to the day. I think life is a beautiful and wonderous thing, so why do I dread it so much other than my workouts? I want to be sure that I ACTUALLY DO look forward to my workouts and not just the fact that they are respite from wallowing in my dysthymia. I want results. I want progress. I don’t want it to be incremental.
I just have to be patient.
Patience means remembering that everything is on a spectrum. That progress exists before goals are met.
Patience means recognizing that I’ve already made a lot of really good changes in my life to improve my mental and physical health even if I still get stuck with a 1000yd stare for a while and am embarrassed about my gut.
Patience means remembering that while my diet is no model for anything, it’s also come a long way from 50% beer/pizza/sweets, 50% everything else.
Patience means not NEEDING to be excited about losing weight, but just noting and being content with the steady downtick.
Actually, true patience (and the healthy way to increase that power/weight ratio) would be being HAPPY with a nice steady, progressive downtick. Maybe that’s rationality… or common sense… whatever…
Patience means having lots of conversations with people I probably won’t ever be really good friends with because those people are still good people, and it’s good for me to practice being a good person too.
Patience means lots of zone 2 and low zone 3 riding on flat ground and gentle hills rather than more exciting efforts, so I can build up the cellular and systemic capacity for sustained high level output.
Patience means doing core strength work and being okay with it yielding basically no measurable, tangible or visible results; just trusting that it’s going to keep me from getting hurt and help me absorb the punishment of the rest of my training.
Patience means doing lots of base runs that are shorter than the longest run I know I can do and slower than the fastest run I know I can do.
Patience means just being myself when I’m out with someone and trying to enjoy it rather than control it or analyze how things are going or gauge their interest or what the chances are of anything more developing.
Patience means letting some pitches go by and being okay with fouling some off, whether it’s in terms of training opportunities or social opportunities. It’s knowing that it doesn’t always work out, but eventually I’ll connect with a pitch, and over time I’ll get better at connecting.
Patience is the simplest fucking thing in the world. It’s just waiting for everything to happen. Waiting for the plans to work out the way they were set up. It’s waiting for the fucking delivery guy to bring the food after you order it. You do A, then B happens… Patience is the “then”.
I ran a long way (for me) last night. It felt really good, actually. I am starting to understand why people like running and maybe starting to enjoy it a bit myself for the same reasons I like the other two sports. It definitely helps to have some good running shoes. Once you have some basic fitness and can get into a rhythm, it’s a great endorphin flow.
I really want those endorphins again. But I need to wait. I need to rest. I need to recover. I need to be patient. I also really don’t want to foul another one off tonight, but I’m pretty sure I will. If I am patient, maybe I wont. I need to be patient even if I do.